Many years ago, somewhere in the early eighties, I was browsing around in a mall in St. Louis. There was a store that was famous for specialty t-shirts. I decided I would go in and check it out and if I found anything good, I will get a couple of them for my children.
The staff was very courteous and welcoming. They had some really neat t-shirts laid out on a long table. I started looking at them. Found a couple and set them aside. Just when I was about to head to the register to pay for them, I noticed a shirt that read in bold letters…
“My Next Husband Will Be Normal”!
Bwahahahah. I couldn’t control myself. I laughed till I had tears running down my cheeks. I NEEDED that shirt. I knew I HAD to get it. Then I thought, what if he got upset. What if he threw a temper tantrum! I knew I wouldn’t wear it outside the house. But, what if…..
The person attending to me saw my conundrum. He, or was it a she? Anyway, he slithered over to me, reminding me of the serpent in Eden, and whispered, “We have another shirt that you might want to look at!” I looked at him askance… and he pulled out another t-shirt that read…get this,
“My Next Wife Will Be Normal!”
Bingo!! I got both the shirts and drove back the two hours to my town. That night when I was showing the kids the loot that I had got for them, the “Guy” was sitting around and watching everything. Then, like a grand finale, I pulled out the shirt that read about the normal husband and with the most genuine giggle I held it in front of me. The Guy sat up and took notice.
Hmmm. His lips went into a straight line like the flat line of an EKG when we had to pronounce the person dead.
No Smile! Just flat straight lips.
My children yelled, “MOM”, and my foreign exchange “daughter” from Brazil echoed the same MOM bit about five times; they were laughing, and because I couldn’t and didn’t want to laugh out loud I controlled myself; the end result of that control was I had tears down my cheeks once again. Then the GUY scowled and picked up his newspaper.
I felt bad for him, I think. So I said, I got something for you too, and gave him the normal wife t-shirt! How quickly the mood changed! Jeez! He started giggling and wore it around the house flaunting it. I said that was enough of showing off, and he should take it off; he said, listen to this…. “You must be kidding. I am not taking this shirt off. Tomorrow I shall wear it to the picnic in South Park”. This picnic was an annual affair where the Indians and Pakistanis meet once a year during summer and have food and games etc.
To make a long story short, (dang– my stories are always so long, no?) we both wore our shirts and went to that picnic. Not only were the Indians and Pakistanis bowled over laughing, but the people of the town, your average john q public stopped by to ask where we had got those shirts! They needed one just like that to give to their spouse!!
Last week I was getting my winter clothes put away and get the spring and summer outfits in the closets, and I came across the two t-shirts. I took them over to the Guy, and said, “listen you and I are going to wear these tomorrow to the exercise class.”
Yup, the scowl came back on and the lips traced the flat line EKG once again! You want to see the t-shirts? Here are the pictures.
I am so bad, no???